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Jesus Cleanses the Megachurch

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Published on: May 5, 2017

With a thunderous kick, Jesus struck the large double doors in the rear of the massive sanctuary. The loud slap of the heavy doors framed perfectly the gasps of the parishioners closest, all whipping their heads around towards the source of this sudden noise. The light passing in from the lobby beyond those massive doors reflected in their eyes an alarming scene. The usual noise from the lobby was a hushed whisper. The floor laid strewn with books from the nearby library. A large 6-foot table had embedded itself into the cashiering area of the coffee shop. Tables were flipped end over end, where families only moments ago had been sitting eating, sipping their coffee. They now lay in groups, cowering on the tiled floor, their eyes staring at the silhouetted man in the doorway, helplessly watching, dumbfounded. Only a few eyes seemed to register the fact the real showdown had not taken place in the lobby, and 7000 people beyond those doors were in for the rudest awakening of their perfect little Americanized lives.

Jesus Himself stood in the rear of the sanctuary, silently taking in the trance-like worship atmosphere of the congregation. In his hands was gripped a thick cord that snaked its way down towards the floor, attaching itself to a large cash register that he had dragged noisily across the lobby minutes earlier. The large grooves that the steel cash register scraped across the tile attested to its weight, but this didn’t stop Jesus from bending down, and in one motion hoisted it to the top of his shoulders. As he began his march down the long aisle way, coins began to spill out of the cracks and onto the floor. Those in the arena were largely unaware of the commotion, they were too caught up in the rapture of heavy driving music, flashing lights and smoke emitting from the centrally located stage.

People closest to him becoming aware of his presence became visibly startled. The sight of a man marching towards the stage with the large cash register mounted to his back immediately stole their attention away from the screens and musicians on stage. Like a wave in a crowded sports arena, worshiping arms began to drop one by one and everybody in the massive auditorium was clamoring and straining to see what was happening down towards the front. The band blinded by the kaleidoscoping spotlights gyrated and played all the louder, seemingly totally oblivious to the distracted audience and the scene unfolding just out of their vision off stage.

In one swift motion and with the entire audience watching, Jesus cord in hand deftly began a large exaggerated spinning motion that caught that heavy cash register uplifting it off the ground. The resulting centrifugal force helped launch it high into the air toward the center of the stage. Immediately becoming aware of the threat the frightened singer in mid-chorus lunged away from the incoming missile which had mysteriously appeared from out of the overhead lights. As he dove for cover the microphone drops to the floor. The PA system suddenly pierces all the ears inside with the deafening bounce and squeal of the microphone’s feedback as it hits the stage floor. That same microphone with seemingly supernatural precision spins perfectly into position catching up the resulting audio of the register crashing hard into the wood of the stage platform. Again the auditorium is filled with the gut-wrenching noise of a metal drawer breaking open, and change clanking across the wooden planks of the stage.This entire scene was captured on the giant video screens adorning either side of the stage. The cameras transmitting in vivid, high-definition detail the hundreds of bills gently fluttering in the air, all slowly coming to rest in a green carpet on the stage.

With all eyes glued on Jesus, he begins a slow, purposeful ascent up the central stairs to the stage platform. Coming to the microphone, he gently taps it with his foot sending it rolling across the floor in another squelch of feedback. The microphone rolling, falls off the edge of the stage audio blaring, only to end up resting against a pair of shoes belonging to the lead pastor. The camera operators compelled to stay with the action, blur out of focus and back into focus to reveal the morbidly obese profile of televangelist Rev. John Hagee. Flinching he quickly backs away from the microphone as if bitten by a snake. From atop of the stage Jesus glares at him, almost daring him to pick up the microphone and address the scene. Hagee, looking down past his thousand dollar suit, past his seven thousand dollar watch, and his eyes coming to rest on his five hundred dollar shoes, in obvious hesitation begins to reach for the microphone. The audience in breathless anticipation watches the images on the screen, thousands of eyes following Hagee as he awkwardly bends down towards the microphone. Adjusting the girth of his belly, and bending at the knees he manages to pick up the microphone. His labored breathing and the physical exertion can be heard in the microphone as he works to right himself. Gathering himself, he looks at the microphone, then looks up at Jesus who still ominously stands over him from atop the stage, draws a breath and just before he speaks Jesus in a commanding voice that can be heard throughout the arena says to Hagee,

“Stop.”

“Know this before you speak!”

He then looks out at the crowd, “Woe unto you all! You embellish this stage with the instruments of entertainment rather than humble it towards the preaching of the Gospel.”

Turning to look at the band members Jesus points in their direction, “Woe unto ye, like Satan who once served as the chief minstrel of the Heavenly chorus left his first estate, so do ye all with your obnoxious music that saves no one!”

As the musicians began to inch backwards, glancing at one another from across the stage, obviously shaken by the pronouncement against them. Jesus deftly bends down snatching up a handful of bills off the floor stage. Thrusting his hand in the air, fist tightly clenched saying,

“Woe unto you all! For the offerings of this church have become the price of admission rather than the price of spreading the Gospel to a dying world!”

And with that he threw the wad of cash towards Hagee, who still clutched the microphone, hands trembling as Jesus’ gaze fell upon him.

“Woe unto you John Hagee! You False prophet” His finger thrusting toward the preacher, “Woe unto the Whore of Israel!” Jesus then raised his hands gesturing towards the crowd, “While I have cursed Israel and scattered them to the wind, you a false teacher pronounce blessings on this false Israel adding thousands more under that same curse!” “In your zeal for Zion you have lost your zeal for me, you have adorned your sanctuary with the flag of a cursed nation and in so doing ye have enriched yourself greatly. You have received your reward for the devil pays his servants handsomely! The Blood of their unjust wars is on your head!” Please sign-up for the Wake the Church Newsletter and Like Us on Facebook.

At that moment Jesus eyeing the gathering of security guards in the back of the sanctuary takes that opportunity to make his exit and begins to descend the stairway one at a time down from the elevated stage. As he walked past Hagee, the pastor falls to his knees, those around him daring not to help him fearing the Lords wrath, their eyes fixed on Jesus as he continued down the sanctuary aisle toward the throng of security personnel. As he approached the burly men begin to fall over one another in an effort to move out of his path, and with a swift jerk of his hand Jesus laid hold of one of the security guards arm. The loud crack of a popping taser in the guards hand breaks the spell that had overtaken the auditorium, Jesus who caught the flailing man’s arm violently began to rip the taser from his clutches, turning it on the owner. The gasps from the crowd turned to chaos as people watched in horror as Jesus plunged the taser over and over again into the backs and sides of the security team that had surrounded him.

As the aisle way spills over with people shouting and fleeing the chaos of the scene, Jesus simply walked through the midst them all, vanishing from among them. The sound of his curses still ringing in their ears.

Article posted with permission from Wake the Church

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