The renowned historian H. G. Wells once said of Joseph Stalin, “I like Uncle Joe very much. He’s a great man.” That would be a terrific motto to replace the outmoded slogan of slavery and white supremacy, “In God We Trust,” that is currently emblazoned behind the podium of the Speaker of the House. Now that Stalinist show trials have come to Congress, we all like Uncle Joe very much. Or else. And you have to give them credit: this impeach-a-private-citizen-because-we-hate-him business opens up a whole universe of sparkling new possibilities. Yesterday I offered a list of five presidents who must be impeached now, but that’s just the beginning.
As fifty-five senators are now on record saying that the impeachment of a former president is perfectly constitutional, there is no reason not to extend wokeness back to 1789 and cleanse the ugly blot Leftists think of as our history. Washington? Jefferson? Slaveowners! Impeach them! Andrew Jackson? Trail of Tears. He clearly has to go, too. James K. Polk? Started a war with Mexico when he should have just opened our borders and given all non-citizens the right to vote, free housing, and a COVID-19 vaccine. As Rashida Tlaib would say, Impeach the motherf***er! Theodore Roosevelt? Imperialist! Woodrow Wilson! Racist! Impeach them all! In fact, we must impeach all previous presidents, even Saint Barack the Hussein, for none of them, none at all, were woke enough. Remember Obama’s opposition to gay marriage? They all must go, every one, or Ilhan Omar’s moral superiority will be affronted. That must not be.
Nor do we have to stop with former presidents. Trump is, remember, not president anymore. He is a private individual who holds no office, just like you and me. He is being impeached for being a dictator, telling protestors to proceed peacefully and having them disregard his words and disobey his instruction, which is how people always respond to dictators. So it’s clear that impeachment in today’s woke America is just a tool to get back at those who threaten the hegemony of those in power. We know who the threats are today, and now it’s time to stop them. Impeach Rush Limbaugh! Impeach Tucker Carlson! Impeach Thomas Sowell! Impeach Tom Paine! Impeach your Ma! Impeach your Pa! Don’t have anything on them? Make it up! It worked for Stalin. It worked for Pelosi. It will keep working.
Like the potato peeler in the old commercials that slices, dices, purees, bakes, fries, and washes your car, this new impeachment tool has a marvelous variety of uses. Imagine that you’re a Democrat facing a tough Senate race against a Trump-supporting opponent who is wildly popular with the voters, drawing massive and enthusiastic crowds just as Trump did before losing resoundingly to the old man muttering through his mask to a half-dozen supporters carefully social distanced from one another in little chalk circles. Suppose you’re rattled and think this racist, redneck yahoo you’re facing has a chance to eke out a victory even after all the 4 a.m. ballot deliveries and boarding up of windows at the places where the votes are counted.
The solution is so simple that it’s a wonder that no corrupt politicians thought of it before: impeach your opponent. Yes, he (or she, or xe) is just a candidate, not an officeholder, and not president of the United States, but hey, neither is Mr. Donald J. Trump of Mar-a-Lago. Impeach your Trumpist foe, and the populist boomlet will be nipped in the bud, courtesy of the “disqualification to hold and enjoy any Office of honor, Trust or Profit under the United States” that impeachment and conviction bring. The same thing would work in presidential races: if you’re a Democrat who is running for president and starting to lose a little gas in the run-up to Super Tuesday, no problem! Your opponent can become an impeached president before he (or she, or ey, or ve) leaves Iowa.
We are truly blessed to live in the age of masterful constitutional scholars such as Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer, who have taken a magnificently wrought system for guaranteeing both stable government and personal freedom and turned it into a sick joke and a cruel instrument of partisan vengeance. And those blessings from our moral superiors on high bring me to the last figure who must be impeached in order to ensure that justice flows in our unhappy, systemically racist land like a river: God.
Yes. God must be impeached. It is He (not She or Xe), after all, who is responsible for the ever-vexing fact that while all human beings are created equal in dignity, they are not remotely equal in accomplishment, ability, intelligence, strength, vigor, or anything else. It is that unfortunate reality of the human experience that Democrats are endlessly trying to obliterate with their increasing array of programs designed to ensure not just equality of opportunity, but equality of outcome. Their quarrel, ultimately, is not with Donald Trump, but with a much higher power. Impeach Him now!
Article posted with permission from Robert Spencer
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